Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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