The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
