You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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