Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
