you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
