Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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