You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
