I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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