don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
