I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
