I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i barfeds in our rink
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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