please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
