I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
