She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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