Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
