She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
