Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
