Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
