im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
