I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
