So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
