i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
