Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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