Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
