You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
