literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I have feelings that need drinking.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
