Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
