This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
