i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I puked a lego.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
