Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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