Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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