today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
