oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
