nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
