also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Barsexuality is the new black.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
