remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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