2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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