dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
