WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
