um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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