I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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