I'm so fucking centered right now
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How does one acquire holy water?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
