mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
