it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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