you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
