were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
