Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
