My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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