Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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