Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
