I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
