Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature