Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.