With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
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Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
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Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.