I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
