the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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