my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
