first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
