You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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