I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
